this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2023
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Polyamory. I knew a lot of people didn't understand, but the visceral disgust at the idea that a lot of people have is surprising.
Well, granted my sample size is extremely small, but I've only ever known 2 polyamorous groups of people well enough to visit their home. And in both cases, there was always 1 person who wasn't as happy as the other two and was tolerating the scenario due to pressure from the person they considered their 'significant other'.
The dynamic was: A & B would be considered spouses to each other, A wants to bring in additional person C and create a trio under the banner of "polyamory" and B consents (because they are willing to accommodate anything A wants to make A happy). So person C enters the relationship and they form a polyamorous-trio, but instead of it being a true trio, it's more like A & B still have their relationship (now burdened) and A & C have a relationship, but B & C don't engage much. This is the exact scenario I have witnessed in the only 2 households I've ever known doing it.
That's given me the impression that arrangements like that usually serve the needs of one or two people but often leave at least one party secretly unhappy. Maybe if more people actually witnessed polyamory working as it's been proclaimed, there would be higher opinions of arrangements like that. But I sure haven't seen it - my current conclusion is that it's just not within the bounds of human nature for this kind of relationship to work.
A "V" is a perfectly legitimate arrangement. In fact, those who demands the two other sides of the V to have any kind of relationship, even mere friendship, is considered toxic. And living together is forcing the issue.
Would you consider it a perfectly legitimate arrangement if one end of the "V" resents it and is unhappy? Because that's the only way I've ever seen a polyamorous arrangement working in practice (and as I said earlier, I've only seen two, and both were like that).
Iβm on one end of a V and super happy with the arrangement (the βprimaryβ end, so the one most likely to harbor resentment). The other end of the V is too. And so is the middle lol.
Actually now that I think about it itβs actually a W. The other side of the V is in another V with her primary.
A resentful V is unhealthy and not going to end well, but there are plenty of happy functional Vs around.
Although I am not interested in doing it myself, I consider myself a student of psychology and sociology and am very curious. I hope I have the privilege of meeting a success-case such as yourself in person, who's not shy about discussing it candidly, because I have a lot of curiosity about it and how it works.
I'm glad it's working for you. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been participating in this relationship, do all 3 live together or separately, and have you always been an end or have you also been the middle of the V?
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He currently has a girlfriend heβs been seeing about 6 months. She lives with her husband (who also has a secondary partner) and two children. I have dated a bit but am not currently interested in anything outside our marriage. We also had a relationship a while ago where a close friend of mine had a purely sexual relationship with my husband for a little while, and for the next three years, we went through periods of being a triangle, a V, all just friends, she lived with us for a bit. She moved across the country and now is in a monogamous relationship, and we are all good friends. The most drama that has ever happened is that a guy I was into slept with a girl my husband had slept with. That kinda sucked. Thankfully I had my husband to cheer me up.
Not the person you're asking, but given your categorical prior assertions, I cannot help imagining a mocking tone in your question.
Not sure how you are misingerpreting what I've said, but you are way off here. My previous experiences (don't know how you got 'assertions') are based on an already disclosed small sample size.
I have no judgments and no expectations but I am genuinely curious to learn more about the psycologies and dynamics involved, because it's completely foreign to me. Are you confusing me with another poster?
Something you should work on.
That's just called cheating, not polyarmory.
Mind you, I've been in this setup you describe for a long time. My previous partner had female partners on top of me after ~7 years of only having me, and while I was friends with some of the women - good friends with one, even - I wasn't ever "close" to most of them. Worked perfectly fine for me.
And this wasn't a short thing either, we were together for ~10 years after that point, and the longest "third" partner was for 6 years.
The trick is to make sure neither end of the "V" know about each other
/s
And we know that the only things that exist are the one you have personally seen, so neutrinos, ultraviolet light, Greenland and the dark side of the moon don't exist. Right?
It's more like: I've only ever seen two unicorns, and both were white. Someone is trying to convince me that pink unicorns exist and I am saying I would like to see a pink unicorn.
Seems like you are intentionally trying to start a conflict where none exists.
Nah, just pointing out that the plural of "anecdote" is not "data".