this post was submitted on 16 Aug 2023
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I’m a gay cis man and was just on the phone with my best female friend. She was talking to me about an acquaintance that made her feel uncomfortable after she heard him objectifying another woman with a comment about a “slutty outfit” at a Renaissance Faire. She said something to the effect of “and that concerns me because I wear slutty outfits at Ren Faire.” and my response was “Yeah, you’re the queen of slutty outfits!” and then went on to say something actually supportive.
I think every relationship has a certain set of spoken and unspoken rules. I’ve been friends with her for well over a decade. We both poke fun at sex and gender things together and have also had many insightful, non-joking conversations about these things and both know exactly where we stand on them. It was contextually appropriate for me to call her the queen of slutty outfits. Would I say this almost any other woman? Fuck no.
I’ve had friends who are women change in front of me and vice versa to varying degrees of undress but it was always initiated by them and I never barged in or invited the interaction. Gay men engage in sexism, misogyny, etc all the time. We are not immune to it, exempt from it, or capable of being any less harmful. To think otherwise helps no one and maintains existing systems of oppression and power. Men also suffer under misogyny, gay/queer men especially so. We can be powerful allies disrupting sexism in places and situations women typically wouldn’t have access to. That’s what being a real gay best friend is
Did you mention this randomly or do you believe that you have less right to initiate that than they do?
I thought about this a little more. When you asked do I believe I have less right to initiate that than they do. I actually think the answer is yes.
Taking the situation to a wider lens I am not traditionally a person that is preyed on and victimized for my body nearly as much. I don’t think it would ever be appropriate for me to initiate a situation like that with any woman. Based on cultural and historical context it would be much more likely that a man, if he were uncomfortable, would leave that situation than it would be for a woman to do the same for fear of her own safety. The power dynamic is different whether that’s real in the situation or perceived. I would never want to inflict that on someone else.
Of course men can be preyed on and put into uncomfortable or dangerous situations as well. I’m not saying anything to contradict that. No gender is a monolith but overall it’s probably a safer bet to let a woman initiate that than a man as a general rule. It’s a complicated topic and even more so when you consider it outside of the gender binary. But that’s how I perceive my role in this situation.