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Have you ever apologized to someone you wronged for a very long time, or received an unexpected apology in a similar way? (mander.xyz)

submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Such a long title.

Basically I'm wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I've heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.

I've also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I've never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.

So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I've recently apologized to a friend of over 25 years. One day while we were playing video games, he was making fun of my name as he usually does, and I blew up at him, telling him I didn't appreciate him saying these things for decades. While my arguments may have been reasonable, my reaction was purely based on my feelings at the moment.

One thing I've considered a few years ago was what was I trying to do when I apologize. Was it to make the person who I wronged to feel better, or was is for me to forgive myself? I still wrestle with that thought. I've forced an apology or a few in the past, giving them to folks who literally don't want to hear it, and outcomes never go the way I expect them to.

Sometimes I think we need show ourselves the grace and patience we give to other we love and care about, but be mindful of the entitlements and boundaries we take or push upon.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Did your "friend" make you feel bad for getting mad at him? Frankly, it doesn't sound like you owed him an apology at all - and if he didn't apologise, he absolutely should have done.

When people get justifiably angry because their boundaries have been broken, emotionally abusive bullies often try to make their targets feel bad for "getting emotional". It's all an attempt to redirect the fact that they wronged you, not the other way around.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Oh no, he laughed it off like water off of a duck's back. At this point, I just think of it as a quirk of our relationship. I'm more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, because when push comes to shove, I know he'd have my back. Shit can't be perfect, but calling it once in a blue helps.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

Laughing when someone's angry at you for something you've done isn't a very positive reaction.

Of course you know your friendship better than we do, but nothing you've written makes it sound like you ever owed him an apology.