I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to 'enjoy' something. Don't think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn't care less what it is that I'm doing or watching. Only as long as it works.
As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won't break. I don't want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to have to find out that I'm strong. Why can't I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it's only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?
Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn't living though. I've tried to end my own life and I'm too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.
The world wouldn't notice if I died. No, the world isn't better with me here. Especially when I'm not a good person.