The US Navy getting owned by a force that doesn't have a fucking Navy is extremely funny.
If you want to give a gift that's simultaneously very thoughtful AND a very shitty gift: buy him a pair of knee pads. Refuse to elaborate on why you bought them.
I wear tankies when it is hot out.
Consider the OneLobster009: you don't have sex, because you're a weirdo. RIP in pepperonis. 
A Linux Wizard does not require a calendar. They simply arrive exactly when they are supposed to.
Web 3.0 is, more or less, what timeshares were to our predecessors. Here's a thing you can theoretically use, but in practice, it's useless and just cons you out of a ton of cash. And the theoretical thing will never actually exist.
They did. It's true.
Short answer: No.
Long answer: Your laptop desires are common, but unprofitable. Even if manufacturers charged twice as much for them, they'd lose out in the long run. Because you wouldn't need to buy a new one every three years.
It's the same problem that mobile phones have. Year after year, the number one complaint in consumer surveys is: "I want longer battery life!" It's been like that for 20 years now. You're never gonna see it. The battery having a short daily life—as well as a short lifecycle (before you have to bin the device because the battery isn't replaceable)—is an intentional design choice. It ensures you keep buying The Coolest New Thing every few years. That's money in the bank, baby!
Nope this is a real cybertruck.
If you didn't play EverQuest with Roger Wilco, don't even talk to me about voice chat.
Today I learned: the "conspiracy theory" about the oil industry killing electric cars in the 90's was absolutely true.
I think so, but I'm so deep on the autism spectrum that I'm probably SCUBA-certified, so...