That's kind of you to say, thanks.

Fair enough. Enjoy your life.

What happened when you stopped being a child?

I try. I don't always succeed.

No, I don't think you're going to hit someone, but you did say worse people than you are in relationships, and I was reminding you that bad people do hit women, and scare them in to never leaving. Neither of us think that is the type of relationship you want.

As I've said before, one day you'll realise that your attitude contributes to - but didn't create - your situation. Insisting you are utterly powerless keeps you in that hole.

I am not saying you need to change. What I am saying is that the negative part of your personality is drowning out all other parts. Those parts are still there, they are still as much a part of you as they always were, but you just can't hear them.

You are not helpless, you are not broken.

When was the last time you can remember being happy? Think back, it may have been a very long time ago, what was it you were doing?

So your bar is what, not being an absolute cunt?

You're aware that people are not typically in consentual relationships with bad people, right?

Being shit scared of your partner is not a good thing.

If it was only that, it wouldn't be representative of reality. For me to be able to have a good relationship required a lot of change. Namely I had to accept some responsibility for my situation and stop pretending it was only other people's fault.

A relationship is a partnership, it requires everyone involved to bring good things to it. If they don't, it will fail.

You don't have to be beautiful, or rich, or famous to be in a relationship, but if you aren't nice to speak to, or be around, trustworthy, caring, considerate, etc, why would anyone want to spend their life with you?

You refuse to except your attitude and actions have contributed in any way to your situation. As a result, you will never be in a relationship.

It's your decision. Your circumstances won't change over night, it will take a long time and a lot of work, but if you really want to, you're absolutely capable of it. You are not fundamentally broken and irreparable.

Now you're just lying to yourself, this is from my original comment.

Many, many, years and 3 more failed relationships on, I'm 9 years in to a very stable long term relationship with someone I absolutely adore. My single goal is to not repeat the same mistakes as before, and we tackle everything as a team. If we're feeling uneasy we speak to each other and help each other. I'm so proud of what we have built together. She is the smartest, most empathetic and kindest person I know. I count myself so lucky that she is my best friend, a willing big spoon, and I get to play with her boobies. It's incredible.

Friend, you were the one who asked the question what it's like. I've told you, and also explained how you can get from where you are to being in a relationship.

I can't force you to seek help, but if in the future you ever feel like you'd like to chat, feel free to message me.

You don't have to push everyone away, not everyone is out to hurt you. I hope you realise this before it's too late.

We're not bullshitting you, we are trying to show you the way out.

And yeah, you got me, doing this does make me feel better. I feel better when I can use my experiences to help people. It helps me to remind myself to be kind to myself. Everything I am saying to you applies to me as well.

I won't give up on myself, so why would I give up on you? You are just as valuable and important as I am.

Ignore the bit in your mind telling you to push us away, again, it's scared that you're realising that you are not it, and that it's losing some control. It has got very used to being in control, but it is a part of you, you are not a part of it.

You don't need to know about specific topics to do translations. Think about it, no one can know everything, right?

Your English is really good. I imagine your Italian is similar, as well as whatever your 3rd language is. You are clearly not dumb.

Have a read of this - https://gengo.com/translators/

Worst case scenario, you're right, you can't do it. So, no different to before, beyond a bit of wasted time. So you might as well have a look, you're not gonna lose anything.

Thank you.

It's taken a long time, and I'll be honest and admit that a good amount of what was written above was by the more adult and rational parts of my mind, than the emotive bits. I'm still working through a lot of shame, and on bad days it's still floods back, but usually less than before.

There's many thousands of steps ahead of you, but you'll get there, I believe in you.