Asklemmy

One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.

I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!

Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."

This one's pretty mild: I always answer my phone with "Yellow?"

Nobody has ever noticed or questioned me about it.

"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?

I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.

I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.

Moshi Moshi

"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"

City Morgue, spare parts division.

Guy I was working with would answer his phone with "Hi, can I speak to *person who was calling* please?"

I think I have the wrong number

I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.

One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...

I use jak sie masz. The phrase from Borat which apparently also means how are you in polish.

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em

Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking

Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?

Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?

Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?

Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?

I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more

"You're on the air. What's your beef?"

Supposedly, my grandpa used to do "Schwartz's Mortuary, Iberium Deep speeking."

I love all the mortuary ones, they're fun. But I've also had fun with stuff like "Joe's Crab Shack" because of the long pause on the other end.

"Catholic freight depot random city" makes callers pause for a second to think about what they just heard.

Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.

To say hello: Yo-dah-lee-yah-hoo, how are you?

To say goodbye: Too-dah-loo buck-a-roo, I'll see you in a few.

THIS IS FLAMING DRAGON

Welcome to the wooorld of tomorroooow!

In a non-local language.

This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.

Horrible disease help me hotline. Disease please.

If you have voicemail (because apparently some lucky bastards these days don't need it) just repeat your voicemail message.

Especially funny if it's someone you didn't want to even talk to, and after you finish, when it would normally beep to indicate the caller should leave a message, just hang up.

Huuuuuuurooooooo

I'm a bad person

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color

"[your city] Police, how can I help you."

"You've called Sevil Natas, home of mirrored text, how may I serve you today?"

“What's The Best First-Person Shooter About Genetically-Modified Space Marines? Halo!”

喂你好！（or any language the caller probably doesn't understand!)

Talk to me

Hello, I am a communist