Asklemmy

I wanna start by saying I'm not under it these days but I've been in the hole. ironically it's precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I'd even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I'd try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don't think weird. But it feels to me like people don't trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I'm not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don't remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn't fit in well. Like I'm invisible.

It's been about 10 years like this now. And I'm starting to get, I don't know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I'm roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.

The rampant discrimination and racism my migrant wife isbsubjected to and my helplessness as i cant be around protecting her during they day.

Brainfog. Difficulty concentrating. No desire to do my own programming projects anymore. And without my anti-depressant I cant even muster the will to read a book, what used to be my favorite pastime. Or even take a walk. What annoy me the most is that these are symptoms of depression, but also what seemingly is the reason I'm depressed!

Oh, and stuck in a rented tiny apartment with a roommate who dont clean. And I no longer have the energy to clean for two. But that at least is solvable, I just need to save up money enough to get my own place.

Nothing, really. Which is the worst part. My life is objectively good, nothing extra fancy, but nothing really bad either. Doesn't change the fact that everything feels shitty. I hate this the most - I'm long past the events that caused my depression, yet it's still here as a reminder.

• Constantly nagging unhelpful family
• Social anxiety
• Degrading health
• About to fail my college
• No direction

To me it's not weight, but a greyscale filter on life. This greyscale filter is always there. Sometimes it feels stronger, sometimes it feels less strong, but it never fully goes away.

So I'd say: this.

• a not fulfilling job
• extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
• climate change

I am absolutely alone.

I have not had a friend irl in like 7 years and on top of that a lot of trauma that has made it very difficult to trust people now. In 2020 some bad stuff happened to me at like right at the start of the year just before the pandemic really took off. I just... shut down, pandemic and trauma and everything I just couldn't cope other than withdrawing from everything.

Thats been going on for 3 years now, pretty much live like a hermit now even though I am in the middle of a big city, like hikikomori levels of hermit. No family nearby. I just never leave my apartment anymore, get everything delivered. I can "technically" leave, I am able to go to things like a rare dr appointment or something like that. But I get near panicky if I am out too long, I have thrown up several occasions trying. It's actually been a few years now since I even talked to any one irl except for people in like service roles like shopkeepers or receptionists, things like that. I actually don't know how to unhermit myself at this point. I feel trapped.

If you read this and think of commenting some shit about how I just need to put myself out there please fuck off, it's not that simple.

saying "you are loved" is like saying "thoughts and prayers", it's nonsense. love is an action, something done for you selflessly

The real issues? Social anxiety, general guilt and regret about the past, the acceptance and occasional pain in knowing that I'll never have a partner.

But the situation has been the same for about a decade and I've moved past the point where it bothers me other than acute episodes. I'm fortunate enough to have a good job and enough money that I don't have to worry about housing or food, and aside from work I can basically do whatever I want (the positive side of "no partner"). I have hobbies and am going to start traveling soon and work keeps me busy, so I don't really have grounds to complain.

Also, at some point if you're not dangerously depressed, it just becomes a part of life and the new baseline. I feel "meh" at the best of times aside from when I level up on OSRS, and having that kind of pessimistic outlook does have some advantages. I don't really panic when something goes wrong because everything is shit anyways, so the boiler breaking down or w/e is just another Tuesday. Makes life much more chill then the rollercoaster of being an optimist.

That some day all of the good things in my life could disappear, without me even doing anything. The fleetingness of real happiness and the fact that constant euphoria is unattainable. That I’m not living up to my potential, that I’m being exploited and under valued, that I’m never present for my emotions because I self medicate and distract.

Also my dad just died and I didn’t think it would affect me much because we didn’t have a great relationship. But yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was alive and the happiness I felt to see him again was immediately crushed by the relalisation that I would never see him again, and he’d miss everything from here on out. I was inconsolable, still am tbf

But also I’m in therapy and take prescribed meds that work for me, so I’m doing my best.

I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.

It's terrifying.

Depression tends to go hand in hand with having a chronic illness. Especially when it feels like you're constantly fighting what feels like a losing battle with it...

Lately my sense of motivation has been in an odd state. I'll do things for others, or when it involves more than just myself - like I'll go to work and do my best because I've committed to it, if friends ask me to do something I'll do so, etc. But when it comes to doing things for just me I'm finding it difficult to have the drive to do so. Listening to music and jamming it out while programming was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time and even that seems to not have the "spark" that it once did.

It feels like there are just so many factors of my life that are off kilter, and when I try to re-balance one, its difficult to do so because a different facet is off and affecting it. It's like a game of whack-a-mole really.

Economic anxiety. I still don't feel like I'm in a comfortable position at the moment and it feels like I'm falling behind some of my goals, economically speaking. I put some of my hobbies and interests on the back burner to focus on work. I started a new job a few months ago and I genuinely like it. I hope to there longterm as I slowly replenish my finances and pay off my debts.

My health. It's made me lose so many connections, and lately it's made me feel like I'm invisible. Not even those closest to me really know how to deal with me and me having to cancel things because my body says no.

I have CRPS (Complex Reginal Pain Syndrome) also known as suicide disease. Every movement and sensation to my limbs causes extreme pain, it's about 42-46/50 on the McGill's pain scale.

That is more than enough for my depression to hit me hard. I can't work, I feel useless, I sit on the couch and even that hurts. But I still push through the pain, and I still walk. But I'm stagnant in life.

All that being said the amount of extra weight comes from reading about the world right now. Everything is on fire, everyone is mad and seemingly at the wrong person. I can't even afford normal groceries anymore. The future always seems bleek, and I'm not physically able to do anything about it.

Minor inconveniences make the call to the void a roar. Thank Glob for therapy, another thing I can barely afford haha.

Lack of sleep. Lack of time to do anytging except the bare minimum to get back to work.

Climate change. I strongly feel that we're doomed and it puts a damper on almost everything for me. I try to enjoy myself and live life in the moment but wherever I look I see reasons why something is wrong or hypocritical. I try to deal with it by working jobs that I think help against climate change.

Work probably. I make a good living but I feel like no amount of money can compensate for the time I waste every day doing work that I get almost no meaning from.

My only hope besides winning the lottery is that developements in AI is going to make the economy (along with the stocks I'm invested in) skyrocket so that I can retire and move to a middle of forest.

I'm ugly as shit and socially awkward.

Just the depression and irritations that go on for no apparent reasons.

Work, society at large, "the economy", et al

Poor relationships, college struggles, and mental health problems.

Thanks Yoda.

I have a job that doesn't make me happy and a wife who even though she's great has a lot of health issues that cause me to take on more stress. She's trying to get the health problems figured out butt it's been a half dozen trips to the doctor and we still don't know why she just passes out.

I need to do more stuff outside the house but I don't know where to start. I like dnd but the idea of finding a group terrifies me, even if online.

Trying for a baby for two an a half years now without success. Started IVF but the first embryo transplant failed. We are lucky we are relatively young and healthy but it sucks that we can't conceive in a normal way (even though we don't know why) and we have a lot of embryo's still in the freezer. It sucks so much and everyone around me just have to look at each other and they're pregnant. I feel so strongly it's never going to happen for us.

To the people answering "climate change": How does that feel?

I can only sympathize with the feelings referring to oneself. Like being miserable or blaming myself for my individual situation. Climate change doesn't make me depressed personally, more angry. (At politics for example.) But it's not something i overly blame myself for.

I would like to know what you feel. Weltschmerz? Being helpless? Does it somehow concern you more than other people because of your geographical location?

I'm sick of how unhinged people get about trans people, especially from those in the left. I can't tell you how many times I've had my identity invalidated by people simply because I disagree with them on something socially or politically. These people claim to be my allies but the moment I don't fit their stereotype of a trans person it's like I'm not even a person to them anymore.

What those kinds of people have done to my brother as well pisses me off to no end. It's disgusting how a political group claims to be your friend only to try and harm you if you don't act the way they want you to. That's what abusers and cultists do.

I have clinical depression, so it's hard to pin down a "most". Lots of it just exists.

But, I'd have to say a negative self-talk cycle, probably. No idea why I do it or why it's so intense, but it's constantly there.

I don't know.

Right now I'm at a breaking point. I've been in therapy and medication which didn't helped and I stopped them. I've also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I'm only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they're way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we're really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don't burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don't have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I'm going through since they have their own health issues now and they're not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I've failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don't enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me "in the game" is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.

At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can't even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.

I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I'm almost 50.

One of the things that weighs me down is posts making me dwell on the things that weigh me down.

I just feel like I'm standing still and not in control of things at the moment. My siblings are taking steps forward in their own ways (having kids, moving abroad) and I'm stuck in a job I've had before that I moved back to because of a restructure, so I didn't choose it. It's not fulfilling but I'm good at it, but when it's the only thing I have going on it feels like I should be getting more out of it than I am. Also just feeling isolated as I don't connect with people in my team and I don't have a huge social life.

I want to get my own home so can't really take any huge risks jobwise at the moment. Just feeling stuck.