dating apps are fucking miserable. cold texting a stranger is miserable, i have no idea how i'm supposed to establish proper rapport and interest with fucking cutsey chatup lines
this post was submitted on 21 Aug 2023
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Easy. Get their attention by whatever means necessary.
Talk about things that are interesting to you. Ask them about things that they are interested in.
Actually listen and show genuine interest in the things that they like by asking questions and following up on things that they tell you.
If they do that for you too, great. Continue to build rapport, go on dates, fall in love, get married, build a life together, have kids, become happy.
If they don't, don't take it personally and just move on. If they're not interested in you, then you should not be interested in them. Figuring out this part is hard, but once you do, you will save so much time and mental.
Dating apps are miserable but not for mentioned reasons.
"how's your day going?"
"How was your weekend?"
" Any plans for the week?"
These are cheap, lazy ways to start a conversation. Give them a go, Plankton
Except I constantly see "ugh, don't ask me about my week. Be more interesting" in profiles.
That sounds like a discard swipe to me. Asking about the week is just an ice breaker, someone stating that is not only going to rely on you to carry the conversation, they're also less likely to reflect upon themselves.
Ignore that, move on to a good match, start a conversation any way you like.
And when they respond, be interested in what they do. Ask questions, make follow up questions etc.
Maybe it's just my experience, but this just does not work. Maybe it's because I'm asking "get to know you questions" and perhaps those should be reserved for dates; but the one time I decided to start by arranging a date, I got the answer "I would prefer if we got to know each other better here first" - which I agree with, by the way. So I do end up asking "get to know you questions", but the women I've matched with don't even try to put effort into the conversation.
To demonstrate what I mean by that, here's a fictional representation of an actual conversation I've had (the content is fictional, but the structure and tone is real):
in her profile, she says she likes movies, so maybe I'll ask about that
Me: Hey! So, what was the last movie you watched?
Her: Oppenheimer
Me: Cool, I went to see it last week! What did you think of it?
Her: It's good
ffs, it's always like this. fuck it, instead of asking another question, I'll just answer my own question and make force her to come up with something to say
Me: [Give some of my thoughts on the movie]
Her: Ok
I never replied to her "Ok", and she never said anything else. Most conversations follow along the same lines: me asking questions and getting the shortest answer back with no question turned my way.
This might make me sound horrible, but I had to stop using dating apps because it was beginning to give me a horrible view of women.
You are matching with the wrong kind of women. Everyone is different, some people want to flirt or joke, others prefer more meaningful conversations, and on top of that you will be judged by whatever else is in your profile. Yeah and your looks too.
Usually when it comes to dating apps I find people who do well are either really good at profiling or extremely good at flirting and socialising. You can definitely improve on the first.
My first screening is looks, but I never swipe to keep if the profile is empty, or if it doesn't say anything interesting, or if it's a copy paste joke. Whenever faced an alright looking match, I read the profile and judged based on that. Empty? Bland? Mediocre? Poor gramar? I can't relate to anything written in the profile? Get lost. No matter how good the match looks.
It's hard to find good profiles, the vast majority are the bland types that end in conversations like you described. Even out of a good selection, I found only one or two out of every ten matches actually started or carried on with a conversation, and out of ten conversations only one or two would lead to an actual date. For me this was approx one date a fortnight.
Source: personal experience dating, I'm a heterosexual woman. I hope this gives you some perspective, happy to answer anything else.
From a guy point of view, I think this is pretty accurate.
If they don't put any effort into the conversation, I move on right away.
I've become a lot more picky with my likes, and it's worked out better. If their only passions are beer and going to the gym, move on. I only swipe right if they're actually interesting and have something useful in their profile to talk about.
I do agree I am matching with the wrong kind of women, I just don't know what to change haha.
My swiping criteria are basically the same as yours; however, instead of seeing a lot of copy paste jokes, I see a lot of profiles that are just an Instagram handle. I'd say easily over 3/4 of profiles I see are empty, and a lot of the others only have an Instagram handle.
I've had good matches and conversations before, and the women I meet outside dating apps are a lot better to talk to, so I know it's just bad luck; but knowing that doesn't stop it being frustrating after several matches in a row where I have to carry the conversation, and that's after swiping through hundreds of empty or bad profiles between each.
So after a while of all that, I decided to take a break. Maybe when/if I return, I'll have a new look at my profile, see if anything can be improved or if there's something that's giving a wrong idea.
Step 1: be attractive
Step 2: wait
Can I skip step 1, for reasons?
Sadly, no. Not if you want success on dating apps as a dude.
The trap in "Be attractive, don't be unattractive" is that assuming Rule #1 is just about looks is a violation of Rule #2
I stick with this guy and violate Rule #2.
Me too. I want to skip the first step too.
Met my wife on a dating app. It’s when I finally gave into apathy and started blowing of the super attractive girls that I started having any decent conversations with people.
“I stopped going after the super hot girls and then finally met my wife”
I know it’s not what you mean but it gave me a good chuckle.
Must have made for a great speach at their wedding.
"Once I stopped banging models and settled for Wife my life has been way better. Sure, the sex with all those hot chicks was great but sometimes I think there's more to life that sleeping with really, really, ridiculously good looking women. Anyways, here's to my new wife!"
You can tell some joke tinder appropriate. You can look those up on the internet or come with your own.
You can also ask some question about her profile or something you see in the picture.
Not the best things you can do, but would get you a little bit further.
I agree. But last time I did that stuff (4 years ago?) most female profiles were empty and the pictures were meaningless. Except for that one I am still with today.
So you took the only one??
You bastard
Yes, that is true. That is the reason dating apps suck. Most of the girls either are protecting their privacy aggressively to avoid awkward situations IRL or they just fill in with junk. Other are also way too busy to answer antybody.
Heard you are looking for a stud. I have the std, all I need is u.
Like that joke?
Try it and give us the results.
do you ever wonder if the world might be slightly happier if there were more bi/pansexual folks?